4 posts tagged “depression”
As the title suggests, I'm having second thoughts. I'm thinking twice about going off the effexor. The reason? My mood and level of functioning lately has been on a downward slide without being on a decreased dose, and I think I have to be realistic here. I'm thinking that I may be in a phase of 'prozac poop-out' or maybe that should be 'effexor ineffectiveness'. Whatever. Maybe I need to change types....I've done that before from Zoloft to Effexor in 2000, and maybe the nasty sideeffects will disappear with it. Maybe I will be less numb on something else. I am so tired of feeling this way. There is no joy. No focus. No satisfaction in anything. Something has to happen.
Note to self...read this
I am so nervous about this it's insane. I haven't started reducing my dose yet, but my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. I have to somehow turn my attitude around or it just might be my downfall. I have to keep in mind all the things I hate about being on this drug, and keep a positive focus. But what keeps coming back to mind is little glimpses of how quickly I slipped into that dreaded black hole in my previous attempts. I keep asking myself if this is a wise thing to be doing.
I also am starting to see how closely this is going to be tied into 'Goal #2' - telling my Dad that he should be looking for a place of his own. Dad has been staying here for a year now, camping out in our RV, and has made himself pretty darned comfortable. He moved in when his place sold last year, and it was understood that it would be a temporary stay until he found a new place. I say we moved him in, because he wasn't able to do it himself being in rehab. He's an alcoholic. The type of alcoholic that drinks for a few months straight, until he can barely function, then sobers up anywhere from a few weeks to a few months at time.
When Dad's sober, I love him - he's a wonderful man... he helps out around the yard (a time-consuming job that often gets neglected in our busy life)... he's got a great sense of humour... he's just....my dear dad whom I love so so much.
When he's drinking? I hate him. He turns into a sickening fool, who just fills me with loathing. Such has it been my whole life. At least now he's not violent. I saw way too much as a child, felt way too much fear. And when he's drinking he keeps to himself for the most part, as he knows I won't tolerate my kids seeing him like that. Only this last time he crossed the line. He came into the house a few times, and one time really unsettled my daugher with his stumbling about and slurring....teasing my son about something. Then, when he sensed my disapproval (I didn't say anything, just gave him the cold shoulder (I'm such a COWARD sometimes!) he disappeared for 4 days. I was pretty worried, as he doesn't normally go anywhere, and kicked myself for not taking away his keys away like I did when he was in this state at Christmas.
Point is, he showed up eventually, and when that happened, the adrenaline I had been running on plummeted, and I felt physically il . The stress caught up with me. The thing about being on this drug, is that I'm emotionally numb a lot of the time. But when periods of stress come along, I think I'm handling things ok, but there's a price that's paid somehow. Either physically, or disappearing into a fog where I feel both irritable and despondent at the same time. Then I seem to bounce back. The fog however is nothing compared to the black hole of depression, which is what my biggest fear is in doing this.
And my kids...can I afford taking this chance when I have little people depending on me? I mean, they're part of the reason I DO want to be off it.... so I can be more 'there' for them emotionally. But if it backfires... I just don't know. I have a very supportive husband... but I don't want to burden him.
A lot of uncertainties. But that's life I guess isn't it? Ultimately, I'm making this choice because I'm hoping in the long run it will benefit everyone. If it turns out that I can't function without an antidepressant, just as a diabetic can't function without insulin (my doctor's favorite analogy)... then I'll return to it. Sounds simple enough.
Goal #1:
1.Decrease my dose of Effexor to the point of hopefully being off it by the end of the summer.
This is a pretty major goal. It sounds easy on paper (or monitor), but if I pull this off successfully, it will be a major feat. I spoke to my Doctor about it, and his general attitude was that he would support me trying to do this, but beleived that I had the type of depression that was best dealt with by medication. He said that generally, nothing else even comes close to the effectiveness of antidepressants in dealing with this type of depression (ie. long term, chronic depression, indicative of a chemical imbalance, rather than episodic depression, as a result of something bad that's happened in your life ecently). That was in answer to me asking about any herbal/alternative methods ie. St. John's Wort etc.
I've known my doctor for years and trust him implicitly, and really believe he knows his stuff.... I just need to try this. Maybe I'm an exception . As a general rule he said that I have a 50% chance of coming off and being ok. Flip a coin folks! Of course this will be in small downward increments.... a very slow tapering off, to reduce 'withdrawal symptoms'. Although it's not an addicting drug, there are definitely undesirable effects if you try to come off them too quickly. Don't I know it.
I've been on antidepressants since 1994, after the birth of my first child. It was a case of Post Partum Blues that was very intense and would not go away. I was put on Zoloft, which I stayed on for 6 years or so, and when that started to 'poop out' I was put on Effexor. Over the years I've tried to come off of both, unsuccessfully a number of times. Several times on my own... cold turkey, and a few times by tapering. No luck. The symptoms came back full force leaviing me good for nothing.... in terrible emotional pain.
I try to recall that acute pain at this point, and as usual, it's very hard to remember what it feels like. That's the frustrating part of being on these meds.... the numbing of feeling. Ironically, if I could remember what it felt like, I probably wouldn't even consider taking myself off of them. But that numbing carries over into so much of my life, leaving me feelling like a zombie most of the time. The only emotion that I can seem to feel the full effects of is anger/irritability. Not that I feel this way all the time, but if there's an emotion to be felt on any given day, that will most likely be it. I hate it. I just want to be able to feel. To cry. To get rid of this horrible feeling of dull apathy. To live! That's what it is, I feel like I'm watching someone else live my life - I'm detached from everything, wishing I could summon up the energy to protest... feeling a vague feeling of 'Wake up! This is you! This is your life passing you by!' I feel imprisoned.
So. What makes me think that this attempt will be different? I don't, I'm just hoping against hope. I know I just can't continue on like this without trying again... the time just feels right. Spring is here, and with it a bit of hope creeps in I guess. I want to be a better mother to my kids.... I have 4 of them (and a teenage step-daughter)... I want to be a better partner....friend.... a better me. The real me, without this rigid mask.
I have about 10 more days worth of my regular dose (150mg) and from there I'll begin the descent. If anyone reads this far, please say a prayer for me.
