1 post tagged “dad”
I am so nervous about this it's insane. I haven't started reducing my dose yet, but my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. I have to somehow turn my attitude around or it just might be my downfall. I have to keep in mind all the things I hate about being on this drug, and keep a positive focus. But what keeps coming back to mind is little glimpses of how quickly I slipped into that dreaded black hole in my previous attempts. I keep asking myself if this is a wise thing to be doing.
I also am starting to see how closely this is going to be tied into 'Goal #2' - telling my Dad that he should be looking for a place of his own. Dad has been staying here for a year now, camping out in our RV, and has made himself pretty darned comfortable. He moved in when his place sold last year, and it was understood that it would be a temporary stay until he found a new place. I say we moved him in, because he wasn't able to do it himself being in rehab. He's an alcoholic. The type of alcoholic that drinks for a few months straight, until he can barely function, then sobers up anywhere from a few weeks to a few months at time.
When Dad's sober, I love him - he's a wonderful man... he helps out around the yard (a time-consuming job that often gets neglected in our busy life)... he's got a great sense of humour... he's just....my dear dad whom I love so so much.
When he's drinking? I hate him. He turns into a sickening fool, who just fills me with loathing. Such has it been my whole life. At least now he's not violent. I saw way too much as a child, felt way too much fear. And when he's drinking he keeps to himself for the most part, as he knows I won't tolerate my kids seeing him like that. Only this last time he crossed the line. He came into the house a few times, and one time really unsettled my daugher with his stumbling about and slurring....teasing my son about something. Then, when he sensed my disapproval (I didn't say anything, just gave him the cold shoulder (I'm such a COWARD sometimes!) he disappeared for 4 days. I was pretty worried, as he doesn't normally go anywhere, and kicked myself for not taking away his keys away like I did when he was in this state at Christmas.
Point is, he showed up eventually, and when that happened, the adrenaline I had been running on plummeted, and I felt physically il . The stress caught up with me. The thing about being on this drug, is that I'm emotionally numb a lot of the time. But when periods of stress come along, I think I'm handling things ok, but there's a price that's paid somehow. Either physically, or disappearing into a fog where I feel both irritable and despondent at the same time. Then I seem to bounce back. The fog however is nothing compared to the black hole of depression, which is what my biggest fear is in doing this.
And my kids...can I afford taking this chance when I have little people depending on me? I mean, they're part of the reason I DO want to be off it.... so I can be more 'there' for them emotionally. But if it backfires... I just don't know. I have a very supportive husband... but I don't want to burden him.
A lot of uncertainties. But that's life I guess isn't it? Ultimately, I'm making this choice because I'm hoping in the long run it will benefit everyone. If it turns out that I can't function without an antidepressant, just as a diabetic can't function without insulin (my doctor's favorite analogy)... then I'll return to it. Sounds simple enough.
