Hide & Seek

Dear C*****, I suspected you might be struggling this last bit, and I've been thinking of you.

I hope you won't mind if I share a bit here.  I know you don't appreciate being told what to do, and I'm really not trying to do that.  I just feel a need to share this with you... in case it might help in some way.

Keeping things inside for the benefit of others.... My mom has done the same thing all her life for us 5 kids.  I've done the same for my kids through an unhappy marriage and divorce.  The unspoken has gone something like this... 'I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I can handle this. I've faced a lot worse, so no, I don't need help, thanks.' And for the kids I've put on my strong Mommy front. And now, I often wonder if it was such a good thing.  Now that I'm in a healthier space I think something has become clear.  By doing this, (which was the only way I knew how to function) I may have in fact robbed other people of something important. 

Although I think it's crucial to protect children's emotional well-being, and in times of turmoil it's important to maintain a sense of stability...at the same time I think that there were times when it would have benefited them to see me vulnerable.  I don't want them growing up feeling like they have to hide their feelings (like I did), and that it's somehow wrong to show emotion.  That's a large part of why I find myself as an adult who's spend the last 13 years on anti-depressants. Too much stuffing of emotions. 

Now I want to live.  Healthily.  I'm weaning myself off the numbing drugs, and taking a good hard look at my past choices.  I'm starting to think that the thing I've been robbing people of, in trying to be so strong, is the chance to connect in a real way to me. I've taken small steps with my kids... trying to let them see me in weak moments... being honest with them about how I'm feeling.  To my amazement, it doesn't frighten them or add a burden. They feel connected, and try to help in small ways, and then carry on when things smooth out, contented that they could play a part in things.

The bigger challenge for me is to carry this intention out with others...family members, and people in general.  It's so hard when I've spent the last 40 years in survival mode...trying to protect others (and myself) from things. Fear of intimacy has been huge.  I need to do this though, or I'll find myself even more isolalated and unfullfilled. I want some of that 'authentic power' I've heard Gary Zukav talk about...   And I don't want to take away the chance for others to learn and grow and feel connected to me.  What I think I might be protecting others from, may at times be smething they really need. 

I'm sharing all this with you at the risk that you'll see me as being preachy and telling you how to live your life.  I might feel the same way.  But I needed to share it nonetheless.

I can't imagine the space you must be in, and the void you must feel right now, but every fibre of my being is telling me that you will come out of this, and come out of it well.  Healthier.  I'm glad you have a lot of support along the way.  As I continue to struggle along, I find courage in people like you who are willing to put things out there... to share.  I'm still struggling with this whole blog thing, and have set most of my entries to 'private'.  Doesn't that speak volumes!  Maybe this format of writing letters/comments to people is the way to go for me. We'll see. 

All my best thoughts,

Karen