Goal #1...my life with Effexor
Goal #1:
1.Decrease my dose of Effexor to the point of hopefully being off it by the end of the summer.
This is a pretty major goal. It sounds easy on paper (or monitor), but if I pull this off successfully, it will be a major feat. I spoke to my Doctor about it, and his general attitude was that he would support me trying to do this, but beleived that I had the type of depression that was best dealt with by medication. He said that generally, nothing else even comes close to the effectiveness of antidepressants in dealing with this type of depression (ie. long term, chronic depression, indicative of a chemical imbalance, rather than episodic depression, as a result of something bad that's happened in your life ecently). That was in answer to me asking about any herbal/alternative methods ie. St. John's Wort etc.
I've known my doctor for years and trust him implicitly, and really believe he knows his stuff.... I just need to try this. Maybe I'm an exception . As a general rule he said that I have a 50% chance of coming off and being ok. Flip a coin folks! Of course this will be in small downward increments.... a very slow tapering off, to reduce 'withdrawal symptoms'. Although it's not an addicting drug, there are definitely undesirable effects if you try to come off them too quickly. Don't I know it.
I've been on antidepressants since 1994, after the birth of my first child. It was a case of Post Partum Blues that was very intense and would not go away. I was put on Zoloft, which I stayed on for 6 years or so, and when that started to 'poop out' I was put on Effexor. Over the years I've tried to come off of both, unsuccessfully a number of times. Several times on my own... cold turkey, and a few times by tapering. No luck. The symptoms came back full force leaviing me good for nothing.... in terrible emotional pain.
I try to recall that acute pain at this point, and as usual, it's very hard to remember what it feels like. That's the frustrating part of being on these meds.... the numbing of feeling. Ironically, if I could remember what it felt like, I probably wouldn't even consider taking myself off of them. But that numbing carries over into so much of my life, leaving me feelling like a zombie most of the time. The only emotion that I can seem to feel the full effects of is anger/irritability. Not that I feel this way all the time, but if there's an emotion to be felt on any given day, that will most likely be it. I hate it. I just want to be able to feel. To cry. To get rid of this horrible feeling of dull apathy. To live! That's what it is, I feel like I'm watching someone else live my life - I'm detached from everything, wishing I could summon up the energy to protest... feeling a vague feeling of 'Wake up! This is you! This is your life passing you by!' I feel imprisoned.
So. What makes me think that this attempt will be different? I don't, I'm just hoping against hope. I know I just can't continue on like this without trying again... the time just feels right. Spring is here, and with it a bit of hope creeps in I guess. I want to be a better mother to my kids.... I have 4 of them (and a teenage step-daughter)... I want to be a better partner....friend.... a better me. The real me, without this rigid mask.
I have about 10 more days worth of my regular dose (150mg) and from there I'll begin the descent. If anyone reads this far, please say a prayer for me.
